the knoll

by melonbar92

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i took this photo in 2011. it was autumn at its finest at the knoll (a hill where people used to eat sandwiches and read books and lie down when it was sunny and take naps). the knoll is gone now. it disappeared under the reign of ubc’s never-ending construction zone.

a lot of things have changed since i was in first year. i’ve been thinking about this a lot these days. i think because i’ve started to ponder over what i’m going to do after i graduate, which has led me into a reverie of reflection. i’m trying to scoop out clues from my past to direct me into my future, but so far all i’ve been doing is swimming in memories. i’m in a transitory space right now and it feels weird. it feels weird not to know what the next step is. but i’m not afraid and i’m not anxious. sometimes i feel excited, but mostly i feel like i just don’t know. i don’t know where i’ll be this time next year. i don’t know what i’ll be doing. an english literature major and creative writing minor? what are you going to do with that? be a teacher? well, to be honest, i just don’t know. i know that i’ve loved going to university and that i don’t regret my degree, no matter how useless people might say that it is. but i don’t know where it will take me. i don’t know what’s next.

and i think i’m realizing more and more that it’s ok not to know. it’s ok to have thirty different options and to not pick any of them at the end of the day. it’s ok to look into the future and see nothing but the colour of hope; abstract and vague, but alive nonetheless. it’s all ok.

i find reassurance in the fact that whatever i choose to be my next step doesn’t equal the rest of my life. just because i decide to make rice cakes after i graduate university doesn’t mean that that’s what i’ll be doing til the day i die. i can explore. i can try new things. i can work up to something big. i can change my mind. (i don’t know where that rice cake thing came from, by the way. i don’t plan to do that. unless, of course, a door opens for me in that field).

i hear jesus call my name and call me forth and, even though i can’t see, even though i don’t know, i have full confidence that my future rests in the hands of the steadfast one. that’s enough for now and it’s enough for the next step, and when it comes, enough for the step after that. soon i will see what he sees now. soon i will.

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