by melonbar92

last night i went to my church’s year end party where i performed a spoken word piece. the theme of the party was GOLD and i wrote it especially for the night. to be honest, writing this poem was like pulling teeth. i wrote the first stanza and then i told myself that i would finish it later today, no tomorrow, ok by monday, ok tuesday, no seriously wednesday, until finally i just sat down and finished the whole thing in an hour and a half. it’s the first spoken word that i’ve written since dear brother and i wonder if that has something to do with why it was so difficult for me to write. although dear brother was difficult in its own way, it was a poem that cradled so much of my passion, so many of my questions, that i wondered after i wrote it if i would ever be able to write something like that again. something that, in all of its flaws and imperfections, articulated my heart into words, and words that i knew i wanted to share with other people.

i can’t say with confidence that this new poem fully conveys what i want to say in the same way, or even comes close to it, but i hope that in some way, shape or form, one line or even one word or one syllabic sound will resonate with you. here is the second half of my poem (the first half, i feel, is better heard than read so i won’t include it here). it is called more precious than gold:

2015 is going to be the year
that i will come
i am
knees bruised from the impact of falling again
and again
it’s going to be the year that i admit
that sometimes i feel like i’m tearing at the seams
bursting with dreams bigger than i know what to do with
i’ll be kinder
but sometimes
i’ll be meaner
as ghosts of past resentment rise from the grave of my throat and
out into words followed by the feeling of
where did that come from?
i will come as i am
a little lazy, a little boastful
a little needy, a little hopeful
and i will enter into that furnace that says
“come all you who are weary”
and i will let the flames embrace me like a prodigal son
as it lifts my burdens one
and it will hurt
it will hurt to let go and it will hurt to hold on
but all the while i hear a voice in the fire
that speaks over me saying

you do not have to make you
into a better version of you
you are more precious than gold
and beloved, i will guide you through
so come
come with your dreams and come with your fears
come with your hopes and your goals and your list of resolutions
and all the ways that you want to be better
but don’t have the strength to try
and rejoice, oh faithful one
for i am with you
and this is your year of gold

ps – on a completely unrelated note. check out this semi-exclusive behind the scenes backstage tour video blog (whew) on the making of ‘what it’s like to be pluto!’ will i ever not be awkward in front of the camera? maybe…… one day…. but for now, please enjoy this video as it is, in all of its awkward beauty!

jan 7 2015 edit –
for those of you who want to check out my full spoken word performance for gold, there is now a video: